A Season of Loneliness | dear jules

i've asked God a question we probably already asked Him at some point of our lives and it was, "Lord, why is this happening in my life right now?"

i've always struggled with the feeling of loneliness for a long period of my time especially between the years of 2017 to 2019, those were times I only opened up to Him and some of my family members and through different seasons in my life, i experienced one of the most toughest experiences that i will never forget.

i'm very used to being alone, of having just one or two friends through the years, sometimes i just coop up inside my room and slowly disappear reading books or listening to music.

that loneliness really changed when 2019 came, God really pushed me out of my comfort zone and I really grew from it. those one or two friends became a big group that i love to call them my spiritual family and i also grew my love for music and leading people to Him.

with that, a long season came mid-2019, God really taught me a lot through that season, its pretty funny to look back at it because through that, i was experiencing new things every single day and of course, i made a lot of mistakes.

but after that season ended, a new one quickly appeared, i was faced with a more difficult situation, i lost a lot of friends.

i was so blinded by my previous season that eventually, my connections to people started to disappear and i didn't really knew what was happening.

through that, my season of loneliness appeared again and He was telling me that even though i've already finished my first battle, He gave me another one because He knew I can overcome it.

it was december at that time, my usual routine before was to always text or call my friends but now i rarely get a "hi" or "how are you doing", i spent so much time crying over it because this was the first time i realized it was all real, that losing so many friends can hurt, it hurt so bad.

but slowly, my intimacy with Him alone grew in that period where i felt the most down and with no distractions.

i realized why He did this, He wanted me to go back to Him, not just come back into His arms but really get to know Him, reading the Bible and praying every single day.

so now my prayers tend to turn into conversations with Him and i just rant for hours about my feelings and i really felt like someone was listening to me, and He was.

when i was reading the Bible, i saw how He really puts so much effort and love to my relationship with Him and i can see how this loneliness can be seen as such a beautiful season i can look back on.

even though i still complain, cry and even tweet about how nobody messages me up till now, or no one calls me here in quarantine, He always reminds me, "hey, do you remember when you ranted to me about that for an hour, do you wanna do it again?" and that makes me tear up a bit because i know Someone that i can call upon and its Him, even though no one will reply to my messages or talk to me, God can just talk to me right away, without any hesitation.

here's one of my favorite verses in this season of loneliness and self-quarantine:

15 When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.

16 With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."

Psalm 91:15-16

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you."

- Deuteronomy 31:6

love, jules