lost | les. two

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When you were a kid, you've probably have gotten lost in a mall before and you had three options:

1. you just stay where you are 2.  start looking for your parents 3. just cry haha

At some part of my life, I had that kind of being lost and I chose no. 2, start looking for help.

I was a pretty shy person before, I was really shy at the point that people avoided me because they knew if the greeted me I would just disappear in front of them and if you ask my church friends, they would agree and they didn't even imagine me being so loud and obnoxious right now.

But there was a time I had a fear of being alone, I was very insecure about myself and me being a very introverted person just consumed me whole, and I couldn't get out of that state.

Then I had anxiety. Every time a person greeted me, the first thing that pops in my mind is, "Don't even say anything, you know you'll mess up."

It's like I got punched in the face and I just run away, run away knowing that I will mess up, knowing i'll make a mistake, knowing i'm not good enough. I said to myself before that I was never good enough.

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No one never really mentored me or someone who helps me through these things and in my school, I was the oldest one so I never really had somebody to just tell them how I actually feel so I really felt alone.

I would spend my time using my phone because that was the only way I could cope with my anxiety which is distracting me from a lot of things.

Those church friends, the people I mentioned earlier, they were some who tried to talk to me, they tried to understand what was going inside my mind but I pushed them away and I regret it so much.

But it kind of all changed when I joined a campus conference. As usual, I was with my parents but while we were singing and praising God, He told me something. He told me that I wasn't alone, and He was with me. All the time.

I was pretty shocked at that time because, of all the people who talked to me, it was God. And I cried because I didn't push Him away, I didn't avoid Him. He just gave me a giant emotional hug and I felt love, safety, and comfort.

And I experienced that last year, and boy it was a giant rollercoaster. And this year had so much loops and turns and unexpected jumping sharks, but I survived. And I know that He is with me. And I will never be alone.

signing off, jules